Example of how I am spending my evening.

Member>Part of an organisation or group>Part of a body>A part of the body>Penis.

I think I need a better link between the last two. I'm so worried.

Lists

There are rat traps in my local park. I wonder where the pigeon traps are, or the squirrel traps. Where are the fucking duck traps?

I realised yesterday that I can't write. I have absolutely nothing of interest to say and no skill whatsoever in putting words together in delightful and clever ways. I've no idea how I am going to convey information to people from now on, but I absolutely must desist in writing. May try morse code. 

Here is a list of things I love about my job as an admin assistant in a letting agency:

Being left alone most of the time

Knowing where all of the files are

Monotonous, repetitive tasks

Stationery

Deciding what to have for lunch

Organising things

Writing lists

"business dress"

The 'To Let' sign above the toilet

The way paper feels

MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT

Graduated in July. The ceremony was absolutely awesome in the sense that I turned up late and graduated after all of the postgrads with a special mention. There's nothing I love more than drawing attention to myself, so I was rather pleased with the way this had turned out, despite the fact that what I was drawing attention to was the fact that I wasted thousands of pounds on a basically worthless degree. After graduating, I moved from Nottingham back to Norfolk to stay with my parents for a month. I worked in Co-op five days a week, I slept on a mattress on my 14 year old sister's floor, missed my friends a lot and I applied for jobs in London. Managed eventually to get a job as a 'customer support trainee' with a company which sells solar panels. Moved to Ilford in North-East London (OK, it's Essex) a week later. On my first day of work, I arrived, knocked on the front door of the office for half an hour before eventually someone happened to be passing by the locked door on his way to the toilet. He told me that the office wasn't open that day and that my first day would actually be tomorrow (I had written proof that I'd been asked to come in on this day, but whatever). Walked home, found a fiver on the floor, ended up going to Notting Hill Carnival (an entirely panicky affair) then got on a bus to meet my old Nottingham friends and attended a sexy kissing party (some of the events in this story may or may not be fabricated). When I started my new job, it soon became apparent that I would be selling solar panels door to door. I was, apparently, self employed and therefore there was no requirement that I be paid minimum wage. I worked at least 8 hours a day, often more, and ended up being paid the equivalent of £20 a day. For those not mathematically inclined, that works out at a maximum of £2.50 an hour. I actually happened to be very good at the job. The houses which I had to knock at were sickeningly beautiful. I was met with the most desperately pitying looks as the upper-middle class peeked out of the elaborately carved doors of their houses; my pleading little eyes desperately peeking out at them from under the messy little self-cut fringe. While at work one day, my supervisor- a 17 year old glamorous little Pakistani girl- was making us all sit outside a pub for two hours so that she could smoke and giggle and make it difficult to reach my sales targets, when she mentioned that she'd recently gone into an estate agents in Ilford and one of the men there had said they had an admin position going which she could have. The man had taken her number, then texted her to say that she was much too beautiful and distracting to work in the office but he would rather like to cook her some Thai food. This delightful gentleman aside, the next day on my way to work I diligently checked the windows of every estate agent which I passed, walked into one and walked out with a new job. I had a trial the next day, explained to the boss of the solar panel company that I would be forced to leave, politely declined his offer to be promoted to telesales staff and began my new life as an admin assistant. So now I live in Ilford, with the family of a friend from university in their spare room (for delightfully cheap rent) and work for four hours a day in a letting agency, making contracts and compiling files and lists and things. Whilst all this has been going on I seem to have changed from being a person with a "friendship group" to being a person who isn't really anyone's plan A. Time to make some friends, then, and really start this whole new chapter of my life etc.

To Do List

Get home from work, work out, amount to something, think more, mourn less, leave this place, placate myself, find something I actually want, want something I can have, have something which is right, write a masterpiece, piece things together, get used to forever, never stop learning, learn to play the paino, learn to spell, Read a book, write a book, Write a masterpiece, Write a blog post, write in your diary, write a suicide note, write a tweet, go birdwatching, watch a film, make a film, Make a sandwich, drink a beer, witer a mastre[eice. Go to sleep.

My Desk

Useful things which I keep on my desk:

2 in 1 Washing liquid and fabric conditioner

Computer

External Hard Drive

(almost) empty Bottle of some man's perfume 

Empty 2l Ashbeck natural mineral water bottle with no lid

Phone

Camera

Computer screen

Remote control for TV

GOOD LUCK card from a friend's family

Everyone you love is going to die

79p HAPPY BIRTHDAY card from a friend

Hand painted Birthday card from different friend

Empty Evian water bottle (I am a bad person) 

Bowl

Fork

Hairbrush

Working in the supermarket

I arrived. The place looks clean from a distance, but the closer you are, the more the layers of filth reveal themselves to you. Within an hour, my hands are the greybrown of the thin wrinkled flesh of those oldhands I tentatively drop coins and paper into. Everyone here is dying, if you rubbed that skin it would flake away like mothwings. I talk to a man for two hours; the blood supply to his brain is compromised and he's probably dying. I'm on my knees, sorting mars bars into neat rows ruined quickly by fat parents placating their fat children; so I  put more on the pile. I'm made of papercuts and my knees are dirty and my nails are broken.

Listing things to do with my time

Got a whole month of living at my parents house. Obviously I could spend this time catching up with all of my delightful friends from my childhood, but unfortunately there was a messy breakup, and I got the PS2 and he got the friends. So! Things I will spend my time doing:

Working in Co-op
Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. I usually get through this by just pretending I'm somewhere else, and letting it happen to me. This actually generally results in me being perceived as a model employee; polite, efficient, not overly chatty but pleasant and quick.

Scanning family photos onto the computer
+uploading to facebook. Going to be awesome. My dad kind of just told me that I have to do this, and I'm scared he'll charge me rent if I don't, but I am looking forward to doing it. Real pictures! Babies!

Learning German
Using the Michel Thomas method. I've done two lessons a day so far, which amounts to about 15 minutes a day, but already I feel like a wealth of German knowledge. The plan is that next time I visit Georgina in Germany, I will be able to speak German well enough to at least communicate with the baby.

Learning to play the piano
Well, I haven't even managed to find the lead to plug in the keyboard yet, but give me time! I'm only one, very lazy, woman.

Writing a book
Gonna write a book. 3000 words a week for 30 weeks and there we'll have a book.  It won't be a very good book, but you need to get all of the bad words out of your system before you can start writing good ones.

Losing vast quantities of weight
MAYBE SOMEBODY WILL FINALLY LOVE ME.
But seriously, my health can't have enjoyed the ridiculous amount of pizza which I destroyed with my mouth over the past year. Time to rectify the shit out of that.

Finding a job
OH YEA.